Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
