I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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