So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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