I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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