If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
