South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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