First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
