Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
