Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
