you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
