And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
