i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
