Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
