What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
