Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Those nachos came to me in a dream
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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