Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
