I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
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