Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
