The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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