I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
