I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
