Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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