please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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