Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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