sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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