Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
