Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
