i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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