I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
