woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
