I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
