I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
