Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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