??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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