I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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