Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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