I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize