Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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