Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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