By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
