Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
They are going to name an STD after you.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
