Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
