Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
