According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
