I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
