There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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