I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
