I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
