I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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