Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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