I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
