I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
