she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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