Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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