I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
