His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
