remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
