Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
